OK, I am feeling attacked right now from the comments posted on my blog asking for help. I made it clear that I was aware that I made a mistake in slapping her, I am not asking for your opinion of my actions, I was asking for any suggestions to help me figure out why she reacts the way she does. I crossed the line and just so you know, did say I was sorry to her for it. I know I was wrong for that and I should have maintained control of myself. I didn't and that is what we call a mistake. It wasn't until after she began to scream that I began to loose my temper. Dad made the statement that she just went crazy. He didn't know what happened either.
I never, or would ever say that Ashley is not a good girl. She is, and I love her as if she was my own. Her self esteem is very low and I have tried more times than I can remember to let her know how incredibly special and beautiful she is. I make sure that she is told that she is loved, especially during ANY argument, big or small! She is praised on anything done right, just because you don't see it on a blog does not mean that she is not praised. When she gets good grades we go through all of the little grades in detail that added up to the main grade. We do the exact same thing when it comes to the bad grades. I make sure that I praise on the good ones and as far as I am concerned, it the grade is failing but she tried as hard as she could to get it, she is praised on a job well done. I don't play favorites with Adrian, if anything it is the other way around. I spend hours talking to Ashley in comparison to minuets with Adrian. She gets my full attention at all times when she is speaking to me and nothing less. Just because it isn't on a blog that everyone else can see doesn't mean that she is not loved as much as her brother. I have to make up for the favoritism that Kevin has for Adrian over Ashley, so how dare anyone tell me anything different!
Ashley is NOT a normal teenager. Yes she is a girl and she has the self esteem issues but it is much more than that. She was adopted out as a baby because her birth mother didn't want her. The family that adopted her was a relative to her birth mother and at age 7 she was basically told they no longer had room for her and sent her away to her grandmothers house. As soon as her dad found out about it he went and got her and then within a couple of years, her birth mother walked out on them. At that point she was left with her dad as a roll model. Kevin is not an involved parent and didn't have a whole lot to do with teaching them right from wrong. When I met them you couldn't hear one sentence from them without a half dozen bad words in it. They were not shown affection by him and as far as Ashley goes she is not getting it still. I have suggested that maybe we need to take her to see about therapy, that maybe she has unresolved issues that are causing all the problems. She responded with a comment saying that now I thought she was crazy. I argue with Kevin all the time on the differences he shows with the kids. All kids want to be loved and Ashley is no different. Both of them want nothing more than to please Kevin but he says that it is my job to say "thank you" or "good job." We will argue about it forever or until he changes.
When I met them the form of discipline in their home was for Kevin to hit first (with a board) and ask questions later, maybe. I stood up for both Adrian and Ashley on that and argued constantly with Kevin about that. It is not longer a punishment and we asked the kids who they would rather give the punishment. They both said that they would rather have me do it. Ashley has said that she likes the changes so that is not in any way a reason for her to act the way she does. I have even let Ashley tell me what she though was fair for consequences if she does something that is not allowed. Upon implementing the punishment she chose, the reaction from her was exactly the same.
Chores are rotated out each month between her and Adrian, David and Samuel have chores assigned by Dad. I came up with this solution over a year ago and it has worked wonderfully. I have even given her the choice on if she wants just one set chore when Adrian leaves for the army or if she wanted to still rotate. If the rotation is what she decides, I will be in that rotation with her. More or less, that means that I give myself more to do but it also shows her that when I say I wouldn't ask her to do anything that I am not willing to do myself. As far as the trash goes, since David does have a job and has his own chores, I don't ask him to get his trash out of his room. I ask that whom ever is on trash for the month collect trash from all rooms with a trash can in it. I am sorry if that is not how you would do it, but that is the way we have done it and the way will continue to do it. Him not taking out his own trash was not at all the issue that Ashley had. Her anger issue came from when she was just asked why she had not gotten it in three days after being reminded each day. Remember, the arrangement was made by her that all she needed was a reminder when it is full and she would get it. You can't even say Hi to her on some days or there will be an explosion from her, ask dad, he has actually had it happen when he said hi how are you doing to her. Like I said in the other blog, it doesn't matter what you say to her, she explodes without warning and gets hysterical.
I don't want for Ashley to stay a little girl, I want her to grow up and be the wonderful person that I know she is. When everyone grows up they have to learn whats right and what is wrong. How is that we do this? We make mistakes and learn from them and following the rules that are set for them. If you are not accepting any part of your mistakes and blame the rest of the world for your problems, what are you learning? She will not say that she made a mistake rather blames it on me or her brother, or when dealing with her grades at school, it is the teachers fault! We have had a trust problem with her and we are working on that. She is in the process of earning her trust back as she has told numerous lies and can be very deceptive. I try to tell her that each time that she comes and says to me that she would like me to listen and see if certain music is acceptable or movies that is one step closer to her showing that she is getting what is right and wrong and is learning for herself the things that she needs to know to be the best her that she can be. Every time she does this then I will take a step back and eventually she will be given the reigns so to speak and be told to go for it.
Just to make everyone aware of it, I have said to her many times that I am her friend but I am also a parent. I am the only mom that either of them has really ever known. I have shown consistency with everything that I say and do to show them some form of security. There is a time to be a friend and a time to be a parent and I think that to many parents try to be the friend more and the parent less. They want the kids to like them and think they are the "cool parent" and what are they sacrificing by doing that?? I am not saying that this is any of you that would rather be the friend over the parent but I am just saying that to many parents are that way and the kids well being is being sacrificed.
I didn't say to Ashley directly that she needed to get her hair cut, what was said to her was, "Do you still want to get your hair cut?" Upon her saying yes is when I said the date for her to get it done so for her to start thinking about what style she was wanting if she hadn't decided already. I then said that we were going to get her some cloths as well since she didn't have very many at all. She had only 2 bottoms and three skirts outside of her school wardrobe of 5 jeans and about 8 shirts. She is going to church and some of the things that she has been wearing is not exactly appropriate for church. I told her that that is one of the things that we needed to make sure we got, a couple dresses for church. We did have a good mother/daughter day after it was all said and done, she is normal in the sense that she likes to shop! She picked out her cloths and she decided how her hair was to be cut, I did not give any opinion. I did however give her compliments on the cloths she picked as well as the way she had her hair cut.
I am sure that you didn't mean to come at me as if attacking me but that is how it was taken. More of the comments were directed toward the actions that I had said were a mistake rather than what I was asking and that was for suggestions with her, to avoid the explosion all together. I am aware of my mistake and that is what I have to work on. My problems is that Ashley sees everything as a negative before the words are even spoken and upon that she explodes. Again, it doesn't matter what it is that you are saying or asking, she has her mind set already that whatever anyone has to say is bad so she is angry already. Being the person just asking how she was doing to get the anger, puts you on the defensive and leaves you thinking, what happened?? She does like to the center of attention sometimes and maybe that is part of it. Maybe she sees any attention as being OK, negative actions get her attention. I don't know. All I know is that to not have them since they were babies I am coming up short.
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4 comments:
I have read both of your posts and am going to comment on both at the same time.
I think it is really hard for any of us to offer any advice because we will never know what it is like to be in your specific situation. That said I am going to try to give an opinion rather than advice! I have told you all of this before, so it really wont be new to you! Every person is different be it an adult, child, mother. People handle everything differently and not everyone will agree! I think maybe you should try to find some common ground with Ashley! She is a teenager and is acting appropriately. Just remember when you were younger! It sounds to me like she has been through some really hard times. The anger that you talk about may not be directed totally at you or anyone else in the house. She may just be angry!
You say that you talk to her about current situations but have you ever talked to her about her past situations. I think this is where you really just need to be her friend and not her parent! Does she feel like she can confide in you as more than a mother! Being a step parent I am sure is challenging but it also opens more doors for the friendship.
We all know what it feels like to be frustrated! At least I know I do! EVERYONE makes mistakes, especially parents. But as parents we have to know and accept that our mistakes affect more that just ourselves! I am not critisizing or attacking you. I have been in situations myself that I overreacted. We all do, I dont think anyone can deny it! People get frustrated and we vent!
I dont think anyone was trying to attack you! You asked for advice and not being in your situations they did the best that they could. You cant really be angry with anyone because we only know what we see. Aside from the people that live in that house no one will ever know the real extent of what goes on. However when you ask for advice on certain things as is with life and true for all of us you have to accept the good with the bad! Now this I have told you before! I know that you like a strict house! I know that you like for things to run smoothly, really who doesnt. Unfortunately it will never happen! Life is a series of ups and downs twists and turns. To me and this is my opinion I know you wont agree! Chores are not that important! There is plenty of responsibility rules and chores in adulthood! For now let the small things go! If you dont there will always be tension! Especially when you are dealing with what seems to me a very angry young girl! Dont let her get away with everything by any means. Without dicipline there is chaos! But too much dicipline becomes military! As mothers we have to learn to choose our battles! I do all the time. And we have to remember to have fun and let our children have fun. Dont sweat the small stuff!
Like I said before I am not in your situation and cannot even pretend to know what you are going through. However some of the behavior you talked about does remind me of my kids. She is seeking attention with the abuse she inflicts on herself. When my boys throw their fits they throw themselves on the floor and even have banged their head on the floor. Not to mention I think sometimes they go out of their to be bad just to get my attention. At first it scared me and I coddled them. Now I ignore it and it stops as fast as it starts. They dont want to hurt themselves they just want me to give them what they want! Ignore her outbursts and praise her good behavior! Just like any kid she wants a reaction from you. She will push and push until she gets one! Dont give it to her! I know as a mother it hurts to have our kids act out and be defiant and rude! Try to stay away from the long conversations! Express your feelings briefly and walk away. Maybe make her feel guilty. If she refuses her chores do it yourself! And when she does especially well take her for an ice cream, just the two of you! Be a parent but most importantly right now be a friend. Im not sure if you will take this the way I intend. I dont want to upset you in any way! But like I said not one person will ever agree with the next! Im sure we will never fully understand either. Im just trying to be helpful in my own clumsy way!
I am very grateful for your advise, it was worded in a way that actually made me cry. I can see that they did not mean to attack but I felt that way. Thanks for this post, I mean it. You have helped me more than you will ever know.
Susannah, I am so sorry any advice came across as an attack, because that is certainly not how it was meant. Honestly, none of us know what it is like to be in your situation. I liked Melissa's post and advice very much, especially the part about not getting into long drawn-out conversations about everything, but rather keep it short and walk away. I think maybe the two of you feed off of one another's emotions. If you keep yourself level and unaffected pretty soon she'll realize her drama is not going anywhere and drop some of it.
I don't think the idea of a counselor is terrible. I could just cry when I think about that poor child and the amount of rejection she has been through in her young life. A neutral and emotionally uninvolved person may be just what she needs to talk things through and get some closure in her past. Perhaps just let her know that NO, she is NOT crazy; but you just want her to have a neutral someone to talk to for a while. Actually, I would love the idea of family counseling. Obviously Kevin could use some himself because he's not realizing how much his kids need and how much he himself is missing out on by denying it to them. I don't think he's going to change without some sort of impetus.
You are the best thing that has happened to all of them. Keep trying! You are wonderful!
Amen to Melissa's comment! That was very well-worded and came out much better than I was doing on the phone with you the other day. I think it was some really good advice and hopefully gives you a better perspective. I think a good point is that because you weren't a part of their lives when they were younger, you won't be able to have the "normal" parenting experiences when they are older. I think you are doing a great job and have made an enormous impact on their lives. Think where they would be now without you! They have both come so far.
I too, like the idea of counseling as a family or at least Ashley. Taylor did couseling a few years ago and I basically dragged him kicking and screaming. But I told him it was not an option. After two sessions, he was a willing participant. Counselors are trained to be neutral and impartial and I think people find that they are able to spill their souls to someone that they know will not be judging them in any way. If she sees a behavioral therapist, they will give her tips for dealing with her feelings as well. It's worth a try.
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