I am having issues with Ashley and I am hitting walls all directions that I have turned. The main problem is her attitude about things. i can ask her something about school and it will be a fight as if I approached her yelling at the top of my lungs accusing her of some horrible act. It does not even have to be something with school, anything causes a wall of anger and hatred to be thrust up in front of her. I don't know why she does it, I even got that reaction when I told her we were going to go to Vernal to take her shopping for cloths and get her hair cut. Up to the actual day of the trip to Vernal she showed nothing but irritance that I would even speculate that her wardrobe was in need of being replenished and that her hair needed to be cut. Keep in mind of course that she had made comments that she wanted both of these things done. She would complain that she didn't have any cloths to wear besides her school close because I made her throw them all away. I will say that I did tell her that she couldn't wear certain things because they had gotten to small or they had holes in places that showed parts of her body that didn't need to be seen by anyone except herself when she was changing close or taking a shower. I also have been asking her for months to get together all of her close so that we would be able to see what she had that was still good for her to wear and those items that she no longer could fit. Each time I would bring it up that I needed her to do that for me she would get angry. I don't get it, why if she is complaining about not having any close to wear would she get mad when I am suggesting what we need to get done to get her more of a wardrobe. She is a beautiful girl but the size of her top grows so much that she is drawing attention to herself by wearing a shirt that would really be tight on me.
With her hair cut, she started dropping hints around Christmas that she wanted to get it cut, it was according to her, "getting on my nerves!!" I make the plans for taking her and get attitude. Again I just don't understand and when I ask her why she does things like that she takes more offense and by the end is saying how much she hates her life and blames all of her problems on everyone else.
She and I got into an argument yesterday, a fight that made me loose my temper in a bad way. I slapped her. I HATE to think that I am that person, I would rather hurt myself than them, like I said, I lost my temper in a bad way.
I will explain the situation.
On Friday night she was asked by me why it was that she had not gotten Davids trash for three days after he had repeatedly reminded her to get it. She and him had made an arrangement that she would get it when she was told but otherwise wouldn't have to worry about it on a daily basis. When I asked her about it I got the anger and frustration in the attitude and finally she snapped at me that she "just freaking forgot." I let the comment go and just said that she will just need to check David's trash everyday now since with several reminders she still wasn't remembering. That got her mad enough that her face turned red, everyone saw it so it isn't just my imagination. She didn't speak to me for the rest of the night, didn't even come say goodnight to me like normal. On Saturday morning when she came down I asked her if she was still mad. Her response was, "I wasn't mad" WHAT!! Why couldn't she just say something like not anymore, a little, anything besides what can only be described as a lie! I went into Dad's room to find her in somewhat of a pouting mood. I asked her if she planned on staying in Dad's room all day and she said maybe. I asked her of course what was wrong and she started to say that she was frustrated. The part that bothered me about her saying that she was frustrated is that none of the things that she was frustrated with was herself, everyone else is to blame, namely David.
Her and I talked about how important it is to take responsibility for her actions and that people make mistakes everyday, that is how people learn!! The conversation was a few hours long and by the end she said that she understood everything that I had said and she got it. One of the things also that was discussed was how she says everyone says that she is mad and she isn't. The only problem with that is that everyone sees that exact same reaction to things, even Mom when she was here visiting saw her reaction to things. I told her that she needs to look at her body language if she is in fact not mad. We are not here to pick on her, she is showing anger so that is what we see. I used that whole thing, actions speak louder than words! So true. At any rate, the argument started over laundry. Laundry of all things. She has a set day of Friday for her to do her laundry. With the number of people that live in this house we had to set up the laundry schedule to allow everyone the opportunity to get laundry done and not always fighting for a time. Because Friday was her day, no one else does laundry on that day to give her all the time that she needs in the day to do it. Well, she forgot to do her laundry on Friday, so what is that, a mistake!! All she would have had to do is say that she forgot and find out what time frame would be good so that she could correct her mistake. Is that what she did, no. I left the house to take Adrian to work, Saturday being his day for laundry, his cloths were in the wash. She decided that she was going to go ahead and do her laundry without seeing if there was other people waiting in line for the machine. As it turns out I was waiting for it to wash a load of towels and Dad's cloths needed to be washed since it was his day off. When I saw that she had put her cloths in I asked her why it was in the laundry room being it was not Friday. She said well it was because she forgot. I told her that she needed to ask for a time if she didn't get it done on her time since everyone else is courteous of her day, she should step back and wait for another opportunity to open for her. After just talking about making mistakes and taking the proper actions to mend them she got sneaky. I left the situation at that and walked out of the room and upstairs. She almost immediately walked upstairs with a basket full of wet cloths. Her excuse was so that I wouldn't be mad. I don't understand that either, I already ended it and then out of spite she decided that she would bring her stuff upstairs rather than put it into the dryer. Oh, the first reason that she gave as to why she put her laundry in while I was gone was so that Adrian wouldn't get into trouble for leaving his cloths in the washer and dryer all day. OK, that explains why she would take his cloths to his room but at the same time Adrian and I have agreement that so long as he is not just sitting around playing a video game, it is fine for his cloths to stay in the units.
She began to scream at me when I walked into her room asking her about her bringing her wet cloths back to her room. I am not one to be disrespected and if I was yelling at mom the way she was to me, I would expect that mom would slap me. I gave about half dozen warnings to her letting her know that she needed to tone it down or I would slap her. She continued so I raised my hand. She blocked it and my wrist hit her wrist so my finger tips are all that connected. Again I don't want to be the mom that spanks or hits in any way and I make no excuse other than I lost my temper. I don't know exactly what happened after that except she did her normal thing when she is mad and started to it herself. I smacked the back of her hand after she had sat there and what at the time looked like punching herself in the head with both fists. I said that it was OK for her to punch herself but I can't even tap her on the hand. She advised that she was not punching, rather she was using the heal of her hand to hit herself several times. I said OK and without a lot of effort behind it used that part of my hand on her head. She got angry and again I made the comment to basically say what makes it different for her to do it with full force but I can't do it. She told me to go away and I said fine I will go away and as I was walking out of the room she screamed that was not what she meant. Please can anyone tell me what else can be meant by saying go away if you don't really want the person to go away? She continued to say that it was just laundry and I tried to explain to her that laundry wasn't the issue as much as her not taking the proper actions in fixing her mistake.
She hasn't spoken to me today and the rest of the day yesterday was spent in silence also. What I am basically saying is that I need help!! She refuses to own up to any mistake she has made, someone else is always to blame. She gets mad when you ask her anything, big or small, positive or negative. I have tried everything that I can think of and am coming up lost completely. I told mom about it while in tears as well as dad. Dad was upstairs when the situation began and he doesn't know what happened either, she started screaming so I yelled back. I know I need to be the adult but I don't know any adult that would have been able to stand and take what she did, especially with her being the child. Please let me know what anyone comes up with. Dad doesn't think there is anyway to get through to her so I don't know.
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I don't know. As you say, I have seen her go all to pieces and scream and yell and when she does, she just loses all control and can't seem to calm down. Maybe, there are sensory issues here and she needs some medical help to find ways for her to help her get control of her emotions and anger better. I know she seems to have very little self esteem and we have all tried to help her with that so pray about it, check into if she needs medical help (chemical or hormone imbalance, sensory issues) and love her as much as possible. No matter how she reacts, just keep telling her and showing her you love her and maybe she will finally understand that she is loved and that she will always be loved even if she does make mistakes and that all of us make mistakes and we are still loved just as much. It's sort of hard to know what she is going through as we don't know much of how she was raised before she came to you. Hang in there and don't give up on her or yourself.
This is Andrew.
I think she is a Teenager! I do not currently have teenagers so cannot speak from a parents perspective. I was however a teenager once (many moons ago) and can only try to put myself in her place.
I think part of it is just that she is a teenager, and all teenagers are different so she may have to just out grow that part. I think part of it is like mom says about self-esteem. I did have problems with that myself and know that it can often seem like people are singling you out, or picking on you even if it is not their intention.
Also, I am not saying this is the case, but if it were me this is what I think. If I ever had a step-mom that tried to discipline me I would probably tell her to go to hell! That is just because in my mind she would not have that right. But also like mom said, if most of her life she was raised differently, she may just not be happy with the fact that you are trying to change things. That is not to say that you should not try to discipline her, you might just have to take a different approach. It would probably also help if her dad was also heavily involved in making and enforcing the rules and discipline.
Also I am assuming that she is taking David's trash out because it is her job to take out all the trash, and likewise everyone else has their respective jobs. But she may just not like her job or feel the jobs are not equally divided. Maybe if the jobs were rotated allow her to do other things as well.
Also one thing I have noticed is that in most of your blogs about Adrian you praise him and call him your baby, and in most of your blogs about Ashley you talk about things she is doing wrong. I realize they are different people and maybe Adrian doesn't get in trouble so much, but to Ashley it may just seem like Favoritism. In fact I think all parents show favoritism to some degree and probably don't realize it, but the kids do.
So I would just try to see things from her perspective, and try to get her dad involved with everything as much if not more than you.
I thought that Andrew gave you some excellent advice.
A. She's a teenager. Honestly, Susannah, you are disciplining her as if she were a small child and expecting a positive response. Not gonna happen!
B. David should take out his OWN flipping trash. There is NO EXCUSE and NO REASON on earth for him not to take on that responsibility. (Are you reading this, David?)I am absolutely on Ashley's side of that particular situation.
C. I don't think you, as a stepmom, can expect to step in and parent a teenager as if she were a little kid. Your best bet, honestly, is to be her friend and see if you can't work together to coexist.
D. Teenagers, especially teenager girls, are notoriously sensitive and do feel as if they are being singled out regardless of whether they are or not. I'm guessing that even though she herself has mentioned needing new clothes/hair the fact that someone else said "yes you do" hurt her feelings. Really try hard to see things from her perspective. I'm guessing that she would have moved past that initial mood to excitement that she got to go and you could have had a good mom/daughter day. Repeat after me: "Teenage girl equals mood swings". Go with it!
I just read a Beverley Cleary book called "The Luckiest Girl." It is really cute and all about a girl who has those dumb battles with her mom and goes to live with family friends in California for a year. While there she realizes that ALL mom/daugter battles are really about is the girl saying "I want to grow up" and the mom saying "I want you to stay my little girl". If you have a chance, it's a good read. Maybe you would both enjoy it! (Plus it's quick, it only took me one evening to read it).
Good luck! Be prayerful and watch your own words/attitudes, too. I know told Ashley that body language says more than words do...so really try to think through what you are telling her when you slap her.
I know this is hard and confusing for you, too. Just remember to try to see things from perspectives other than your own. Try to put yourself in her shoes.
P.S. Ashley is such a good girl! Just remember to count your blessings that your biggest concerns are whether or not she takes out all the trash or does her laundry on the right day. In the grand scheme of things, that is SO MUCH less that what many teenagers treat their parents to. Keep it all in perspective. Adrian and Ashley are both good kids, obviously something is going right.
I think you got some good advice from everyone and hopefully that will help. I know it must be so difficult for you to deal with those kinds of mood swings. I think it really does boil down to her being a teenager. As a teenager you know you aren't a little girl anymore but grown-up responisibilities are scary. Add in major hormones and low self-image, and you've got a recipe for many explosions.
I was a moody teenager and I know Mom was baffled by some of my outbursts. I was just a baffled myself. But eventually I grew out of it and things became better.
Just do your very best and like Alison said, count your blessings that she isn't having bigger issues.
I heard that the Love and Logic books/course materials are fantastic. Maybe you can look into those. I have been meaning to myself. Good luck.
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